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Dear Self,

When Aryanna asked you, as you passed the cow pastures, “If cows are to give milk, what are the bulls for?” you should not have answered, “To get the cows pregnant.”  if you were not prepared for the slew of questions that came afterward.  Remember, this is the same child that felt compelled to tell you she “has a hole down there”.  Next time, lie.  Please.

Yours Truly,

Yourself

Oh the excitement of a lost tooth.  I had no idea how thrilling it would actually be for all of us, even those of us with all of our teeth in tact.

The kids went to bed.  It was after midnight when we realized that WE were the Tooth Fairy and needed to get the money under Jordyn’s pillow.  I tip toed into his room and stood next to him, trying to figure out my strategy because he seemed to be sprawled out on his pillow.  I tried to slip my hand underneath the pillow but every time I moved I felt like I was making a sliding noise amplified by a megaphone which, we know was not the case.  Still, I felt like I was going to wake him up even though he didn’t move a centimeter.

I lost concentration.  I ran out to ask my husband to do it instead.  What a mistake.  Why would I think he had any finesse to pull this off.  He took his turn and tip toed into Jordyn’s room and stood in the same spot I did.  I snuck in behind him and squeezed myself on the other side of him between his body and the wall.  All of a sudden I see him crouch over and cover his mouth.  He started to laugh but diligently tried to keep it quiet. Ohhh, how he tried.   Once he realized he couldn’t, he bolted from the room laughing hysterically.  Of course you know I had to laugh but I couldn’t hold it in and get out of the room fast he enough so I blurted out a laugh so loud that I startled Jordyn.  He flashes his eyes open wide and yells because all he saw was me hovering over him making noises.

So much for stealth.

My husband came back in and gave him a hug.  As he hugged and kissed him good night he reached under the pillow, dropped the five bucks and grabbed the tooth with one hand.

Redemption!!

Normally Jordyn wakes up around 8 am.  At 6:50 am I woke up to a little hand holding five singles in my face saying, “Look!!  The Tooth Fairy came.”  He was so excited but knew we were trying to sleep so he said it very gently with all the quiet enthusiasm he could control.

While I was bringing him to the bus stop I asked, “Wasn’t that cool of the Tooth Fairy to leave the five dollars for your tooth?”  I was expecting him to give a speech on what he is going to do with the five dollars.  Save it.  Spend it at the Dollar Store.  Something.

He said, “Yep.  You know what’s even more better?  I get a sticker from my teacher for losing my tooth once I tell her when I get there!”

I’m having a real Mommy moment here.  All the “firsts” are so exciting.

I was in the other room.  Jordyn was brushing his teeth when suddenly I hear him make a noise like he wanted to yell but he couldn’t.  Then, I hear him mumble, “My tooth just fell out while I was brushing my teeth!”  He had toothpaste in his mouth he was trying not to spill out until he looked in the mirror and saw the blood.  Then the excited look turned into a pale look of fright.  He looked like he literally either wanted to pass out or vomit or maybe even both.

I quickly go into the mommy is a rock and nothing will shock or scare her voice of reassurance.  I grab a towel and throw a huge smile on my face and say, “Yaaaaaaaaay!  Your tooth is out finally!!”  He still looked scared.  I could see him staring at the blood again.  I say, “It’s ok.  Everyone bleeds when their tooth comes out.  Here, rinse it out and watch it stop!”  I turn the faucet on.  He half way smiles and nods back because losing a tooth apparently paralyzes your jaw into an open position.  He manages to contort himself in such a way that he takes a sip of the running water while it’s flowing, swishes it about a few times and then spits it out.  He does it one more time.  The bleeding stopped.  Let the excitement begin!

I yell out the door to my husband telling him what happened.  You don’t understand.  We’ve been waiting for the last couple of weeks for this tooth to fall out.  His other tooth was already growing in behind it.  You can hardly even tell he lost his tooth. So yeah, we were a tad excited in my house.

Then I suddenly realize Jordyn was brushing his tooth when it happened.  I thought to myself,  “Wait a minute! Oh crap!! Did it fall down the drain??!!”  I went back into the bathroom, asked Jordyn where the tooth went.  He looks down on the counter and points.  It flew out and landed safely on the counter.

WHEW! Cause I know I would have been the mom taking the pipes apart for that tooth.  As far as I know the Tooth Fairy only drops money under pillows.

He wrapped it up in a paper towel and we all watched as he put it under his pillow with so much hope and excitement for the $1.00 he thinks he’s getting.  We’re giving him $5.00 for this first one.  I can hardly wait until he wakes up and sees it.

While I was helping Aryanna wash her hair at bath time last night, she looks down and says, “Did you know I have a hole?”

I assumed she was talking about her belly button because she was looking down.  Wishful thinking. 

Me:  “We all have those belly button holes.  Some people actually have ones that stick out.”

She looked at me like I was stupid and said, “I know that silly.  I’m talking about another hole I have.”  She paused, pointed downward, leaned in towards me and in a really low voice said, “Down there.  By my privates.  There’s a hole there you know.”

I almost fell off the toilet seat.  I was trying not to laugh in my nervous reaction because 1) I wasn’t prepared for this conversation and 2) she kept talking like we were being spied on or something. 

I just looked at her for several seconds and it must have been several seconds too long because she looked at me and said, “Well?”

Me:  “Oh sorry.  Right.  The hole.  Well the hole…”

She interrupts me:  “Do you even know what the hole is for?”

Me:  ” Oh Mommy knows what the hole is for I’m just trying to figure out how to explain it to you properly.  Have a little patience here.”  I mean really people, she’s only 5 and this was not a planned birds and the bees discussion.  I wasn’t ready to go there.  So I went half way there and managed to get around it.

I just stared at her again.  I sighed and smiled and then said, “All girls have that same kind of hole.  It’s where babies pop out of when you are older.”

Her eyes opened as wide as they possibly could open and her jaw dropped.  She said, “What?!  A baby is going to come out of that hole? I pee from this area you know.  That’s gross!  Will that get on the baby?”

I thought to myself that I better take real charge of this conversation and end it before I had to do some real explaining.  So I said, “Ok…first of all, your pee comes from a different hole.  A tinier hole that’s a little further up in your private area.  Second of all, when there is a baby in your tummy waiting to come out, your body will be bigger and the hole will grow with your body.  Your tummy muscles will help you push the baby out.  It has to go through that passage to get out once it’s all done growing.”

Her:  “There’s another hole down there that I didn’t even see?”

Me:  “Yes, but it’s tiny.  Don’t worry about it or even try to look for it.  Please.”

Her:  “Did I come out of your hole?”

Me:  “No.”

Her:  “But you said that’s where babies come out of.”

Me:  “I know I did, when Jordyn was in my tummy he couldn’t fit through…”

She interrupts me, “Because your hole wasn’t big enough?”

Me:  Trying desperately NOT to laugh, “My hole was plenty big thank you.  The bones in this area (I pointed to my pelvis) were to small for him.  He couldn’t fit through.  So, the doctor had to make a cut on my tummy and actually pull him out.  The same with you.  The doctor had to cut me again and pull you out when you were ready.”

Her:  “Do you have a boo boo on your belly where the doctor cut you?”

Me:  “Yes.  I guess you want to see it?”

Her:  “Yeah.”

I pulled the front part of my pants down far enough for her to see the scar.  She gently rubbed her fingers across and looked at me with a sad face.  She asked, “Did that hurt Mommy?”

I thought, ok this could be a conversation that traumatized this child and never makes her want to have children if I tell her the truth.  Let’s be real.  I really wanted to say, “Hell yeah! Both C-sections hurt like a bitch, I could hardly wipe myself for a few days without being in pain, I couldn’t take a shower without help or get out of bed or up from a chair without help and I walked like a 90 year old lady for 2 weeks after.  Yeah it hurt!  It hurt like a mofo.”  Instead I said, “Well it hurts a tiny bit, but every time it hurts the doctor gives you really good strong medicine so it doesn’t bother you.”

Her:  “Woooooaaah.”

Me:  “Is there anything else you wanted to know or ask?”

Her:  “Yep.”

Me:  “What is it?”

In a whiny voice she says, “Do we reaaaally need to blow dry my hair.  You know I don’t like that thing.”

WHEW.  Glad that was over!

I find my son to be a straight shooter.  If I bust him doing something he doesn’t try to lie about it.  He fesses up.  I try to reiterate how fibbing is wrong, blah, blah, blah.  Today he lied.  It was right in front of me no less.

We went to McDonald’s for a quick dinner.  He ate a burger and when he was done he asked for another.  My husband asked him if he was sure that he wanted another one several times and Jordyn said yes each time.  So, he bought him another burger.  While he was eating the burger we all decided we wanted dessert so my husband left again to order it.  I heard Jordyn say he was done with his burger and when I looked it was half gone.  Before I could say anything he quickly ran to the garbage can and threw it out.  When he came back to the table he said, “Don’t tell Dad because then I’ll get in trouble and won’t be able to eat dessert.”  Again, before I could say anything my husband comes back to the table and says, “Here’s your dessert.  Wow!  You finished your burger?”  Without hesitation he says, “Yep!”  and then takes his milk shake happily.

I just sat there looking at him thinking, okaaaaaay, are you going to feel guilty and fess up now.  I kept looking.  And looking.  And watching.  I quietly ate my apple pie and just kept waiting for the moment of truth to come out so I could gleam about how my son is a truth sayer. 

That moment never came.

I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to embarrass him and I also didn’t want him to lose his milk shake.  I mean really, he did eat a double burger and half of another in addition to the fries.  It was just the principal of the matter.  Thing is I can’t sit here and say I never lied to anyone.  I have lied if there was something I knew I was going to catch some flack for but didn’t want to hear it.  Sure.  I worked around it somehow. 

I can’t quite put my finger on it.  It was just weird and slightly disappointing.  Thing is, I wasn’t disappointed in him.  I was disappointed in myself.  I felt like that decision he made was a reflection of my own parenting.  Having said that, I am hyper aware that he spends 7 hours a day with other children.  We all face those moments where we have to make a choice between truth and lies.  I would have lied too to get the milk shake!

Today I had one of those moments of tranquility and clarity that are sometimes rare for a mom to have in the hustle and bustle of our everyday lives (and no my children were not asleep when it happened).  It was very much noisy and they were right next to me. 

My husband and I took the kids out for a dinner favorite of theirs.  (teriyaki chicken and rice at the mall)  Don’t ask.   ANYway, while we were eating I couldn’t help but notice everyone with the shopping bags buzzing around, walking and talking with friends and family.  It felt like Christmas.  It’s sometimes hard to feel in the spirit of things when  you get no snow and the weather is in the 70’s and 80’s through  a lot of your winter.  We have a few cold days…which for us is in the 60’s.  Sad, I know.  Since I was feeling the spirit of Christmas I quietly said to Patrick, so the kids wouldn’t hear, “Hey, want to go see the light show at the new mall?  Maybe visit you know who?”  He nodded and said, “Sure.”

Off we went.  We got there right on time.  The show had started.  They had this huuuuuuuge tree all lit up and some smaller trees around it.  The music is playing and there are light’s shining on the buildings all around us.  All the lights are flashing in beat with the music.  Aryanna and I were bouncing around to the beat.  I had her on my shoulders  and Patrick was holding Jordyn.  We moved closer and just stood there.  It was really beautiful. 

There was something about being there in that moment with them that made me feel like there is no place I’d rather be right then.  For about 10 minutes I had no troubles in life, only peace and happiness.  I realized that I focused on all the woes in my life in the past so much so that I forgot about a lot of the joys in life. 

Just as quickly as I found my peace, it was taken away, not by the children, but when the show stopped.  The lights came on.  People scattered like roaches do when you flick the light on them, bumping and pushing their way through like the stores weren’t going to be there.  <SIGH> 

Have you had a moment of clarity lately about your life or maybe life in general?

When I was bringing Aryanna to school yesterday she reminded me that we were supposed to bring in a baby pumpkin to class because the kids were going to be painting them.  Of course she didn’t want to be left out.  She was slightly agitated at the fact that we had JUST went to the pumpkin patch on Saturday and we didn’t get an extra one for school while we were there getting the ones for the house, not because she didn’t remind me, but because I just plain old forgot. <—— This is a phrase you will hear me say A LOT!! 

As we were on our way I stopped at the grocery store to see if they had any small ones and they did for $9.99.  I thought…. what the hell!!!??  I paid $1.50 at the patch the other day for the same sized one.  I left and when I got back in the car I said to her “I’ll drop you off and I”ll go to the pumpkin patch down the street where we were the other day and grab you one.”  She said “I TOLD you I needed one while we were at the pumpkin patch.”  I saw her in the rear view mirror, raise her hands and shake her head in disappointment.  In fairness, she did tell me.  She told me at the pumpkin patch.  She told me about 10 times on our way to the pumpkin patch.  She told me about 10 times earlier in the week before we even went to the pumpkin patch.  Usually the school sends home notes though, so I was surprised I didn’t get a letter which in turn made part of me think she might be mistaken and the other part of me just forgot about it.  At the pumpkin patch she was so excited about picking the ones for the house that she forgot herself (which is rare).  So anyway, I get her to school and I see on the door a letter dated Oct 20th that we were to have our pumpkins in by Oct 27th to paint. 

Oooops.

I quietly and shamefully creep up to the teacher and whisper “It’s not too late is it, to get a pumpkin?”  She looked at me with one of those, ha ha you forgot and now are going to have to scramble to produce one for fear you will never live to hear the end of it if you don’t bring a pumpkin in for your child, kinda looks.  She whispered back “No, it’s not too late.  We are painting them today so if you go get one real quick and bring it back you’ll be ok.” 

Notice she said….”you’ll be ok”.   I knew exactly what she meant by that.

I quickly get back to the car and go to the same patch.  When I pulled up I could see some baby ones so I thought ok, I’m in the clear.  That was until I got up close enough to hold them.  They were allllll rotted pretty much, or they had no stems.  I’m not trying to discriminate against stemless pumpkins but let’s face it, it looks more complete with a stem.  Plus she was going to be painting so for practicality purposes I thought she should be able to turn it while she paints.  So I look and look.  I find one, go pay $2.00 for it.  While I was walking back to the car I was so happy until I held it by the bottom and 4 of my fingers went in it. 

Ewwww!

I went back to the guy I paid and explained the pumpkin is bad and I need a good one for my daughter to paint at school.  So he had me throw that one away and let me look around for another.  I looked and looked and looked and I couldn’t find anything.  Then out of nowhere, I saw one, BUT it was one of the ugly ones that have warts and bumps all over it.  My husband refers to it as very “Halloweenie”.  I don’t know why but it really took me about 5 minutes to decide if I was gonna take that or settle for a smooth pretty one without a stem.  I felt so much pressure because I didn’t want to disappoint her or have her have the “ugly” one of the class because I saw the others and they were perfect.  We all know even 4 and 5 year olds can be mean to each other.  I didn’t want her to get made fun of.  Then I snapped out of it and said ok we bought a big ugly pumpkin with warts and bumps on it for our house and she didn’t freak.  This was different though, so I was worried.  Granted there are bigger problems in the world but at that moment, this was my crisis…..(not ebarrassing the 5 year old who forgets NOTHING).

When I got back in the car my husband looked at me and chuckled.  “Not many to pick from huh?”  I shook my head. 

When I got back to the school and was walking towards her class I noticed my stomach was in knots, my palms were sweaty.  What was going to happen?  Was she going to burst into flames and morph into some heinous creature as she pitches a fit while everyone glares at me? 

I opened the door kind of slouching, and I know I had an “I’m sorry” kind of look on my face.  I could see one of the assistant teachers looking at how ugly this thing was.  Not Aryanna though.  She ran up to me as if she hadn’t seen me all day with the biggest smile on her face saying “Thank you mommy!”

Me:  “I’m sorry.  I looked and looked and this was the only one they had left in this size.  I’m sorry it doesn’t look like the others.”

Her:  “Actually, I love it.  It’s perfect.  It’s just different, remember?”  She used a very consoling voice.

She grabbed it from my hands and proudly put it on the table next to everyone else’s with a huge smile on her face.  She came back to me and said thank you again, then hugged me and went back to her circle time.

At first I thought, what just happened here?  Then I quickly said, run before she changes her mind!!  I stood up and walked to the door not so slouched.  When I got to the door I turned and looked at the assistant teacher that looked freaked out about the pumpkin and raised my eyebrows to her as if to say “Uh huh….that’s MY daughter!” 

I thought sticking my tongue out at her might send the wrong message.