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While I was helping Aryanna wash her hair at bath time last night, she looks down and says, “Did you know I have a hole?”

I assumed she was talking about her belly button because she was looking down.  Wishful thinking. 

Me:  “We all have those belly button holes.  Some people actually have ones that stick out.”

She looked at me like I was stupid and said, “I know that silly.  I’m talking about another hole I have.”  She paused, pointed downward, leaned in towards me and in a really low voice said, “Down there.  By my privates.  There’s a hole there you know.”

I almost fell off the toilet seat.  I was trying not to laugh in my nervous reaction because 1) I wasn’t prepared for this conversation and 2) she kept talking like we were being spied on or something. 

I just looked at her for several seconds and it must have been several seconds too long because she looked at me and said, “Well?”

Me:  “Oh sorry.  Right.  The hole.  Well the hole…”

She interrupts me:  “Do you even know what the hole is for?”

Me:  ” Oh Mommy knows what the hole is for I’m just trying to figure out how to explain it to you properly.  Have a little patience here.”  I mean really people, she’s only 5 and this was not a planned birds and the bees discussion.  I wasn’t ready to go there.  So I went half way there and managed to get around it.

I just stared at her again.  I sighed and smiled and then said, “All girls have that same kind of hole.  It’s where babies pop out of when you are older.”

Her eyes opened as wide as they possibly could open and her jaw dropped.  She said, “What?!  A baby is going to come out of that hole? I pee from this area you know.  That’s gross!  Will that get on the baby?”

I thought to myself that I better take real charge of this conversation and end it before I had to do some real explaining.  So I said, “Ok…first of all, your pee comes from a different hole.  A tinier hole that’s a little further up in your private area.  Second of all, when there is a baby in your tummy waiting to come out, your body will be bigger and the hole will grow with your body.  Your tummy muscles will help you push the baby out.  It has to go through that passage to get out once it’s all done growing.”

Her:  “There’s another hole down there that I didn’t even see?”

Me:  “Yes, but it’s tiny.  Don’t worry about it or even try to look for it.  Please.”

Her:  “Did I come out of your hole?”

Me:  “No.”

Her:  “But you said that’s where babies come out of.”

Me:  “I know I did, when Jordyn was in my tummy he couldn’t fit through…”

She interrupts me, “Because your hole wasn’t big enough?”

Me:  Trying desperately NOT to laugh, “My hole was plenty big thank you.  The bones in this area (I pointed to my pelvis) were to small for him.  He couldn’t fit through.  So, the doctor had to make a cut on my tummy and actually pull him out.  The same with you.  The doctor had to cut me again and pull you out when you were ready.”

Her:  “Do you have a boo boo on your belly where the doctor cut you?”

Me:  “Yes.  I guess you want to see it?”

Her:  “Yeah.”

I pulled the front part of my pants down far enough for her to see the scar.  She gently rubbed her fingers across and looked at me with a sad face.  She asked, “Did that hurt Mommy?”

I thought, ok this could be a conversation that traumatized this child and never makes her want to have children if I tell her the truth.  Let’s be real.  I really wanted to say, “Hell yeah! Both C-sections hurt like a bitch, I could hardly wipe myself for a few days without being in pain, I couldn’t take a shower without help or get out of bed or up from a chair without help and I walked like a 90 year old lady for 2 weeks after.  Yeah it hurt!  It hurt like a mofo.”  Instead I said, “Well it hurts a tiny bit, but every time it hurts the doctor gives you really good strong medicine so it doesn’t bother you.”

Her:  “Woooooaaah.”

Me:  “Is there anything else you wanted to know or ask?”

Her:  “Yep.”

Me:  “What is it?”

In a whiny voice she says, “Do we reaaaally need to blow dry my hair.  You know I don’t like that thing.”

WHEW.  Glad that was over!